I say I love you...

All our lives enjoying the innocence under the wings of our sheltered parents. To now realize those times passed a long time ago. Today being different should have been a ride to the park, but it's still a tabu. I live like I never said anything to them, like if my words are empty and they never took me serious. Almost like if I don't exist but they live with the illusion of me, a parallel daughter which is perfect just like they dreamt.

The harder they try to change me, the further they push me away. Is not a matter of a flu, is a matter of being born this way. I don't care anymore of hiding, I have no need for it.

These are not reasons for me to love you, these just a few reasons why I want to stay. Is not a matter of running away from my problems, but a matter of being tired of trying to proof myself. I thought many things were fixed between me and my parents but then again is like all I did was make it worst.

With you next to me I have it all, emotionally I am happy. With you I feel I have a family where I can be myself again. Next to you I feel I can do anything because you inspire me to do whatever it takes to make it thru. I want to give you everything. I want to make you happy. I know I am not perfect, but I know that everyday is an opportunity to be better.

I say I love you because next to you I want to stay forever.

I say I love you because even when I am still getting to know you, there will be times were I probably want to go running and instead of you shutting down, that's when I need you to come running after me, the same way I would for you.

We are in this together and even thou I have my house, home is with you. I promise from this point on everything will be for the better and I will not do anything that puts our relationship on a position where you have to wonder why. You are my friend and lover and because of it I consider you in everything I do.

I say I love you because I want to give you everything that I am, what I have yet to discover and the future we are building together.

December 2013 - Happy New *@#%^+ Year

New York is a rude place.

Always on a hurry, me first and me second.
Party is the number one thing for everyone, specially during the holidays.

Holidays? Not the type I am used to.
But I sure had fun with the family; roof party.

Fun times for sure!

In the other hand, people made me feel so out of place.
Is amazing how a person so unimportant can affect your emotions in an instant.
How those strangers can make you feel worst than actually someone that you might love.

If walking away was the easiest way I would choose that in a heartbeat.
But reality, not here to walk out.
I'm here to stay!

Even if I hate so much a situation, a person or a place.
I'm here to stay because I love
And love conquers all!

I don't like the idea of having to tolerate someone just because I love,
But if that's what it takes, so be it.
I don't have to like them!

Everyday (sometime in October)

Missing you, is just an illusion.
Before I wished to have you in my arms once more.

I have moved on!

I miss you and everything that we have gone thru made me stronger for this moment. And that's my reality!

Forever sounds like a long time and I once believed in it.
Then again the things that start somewhere, somewhere else ends.

Everyday I thank the universe for putting you in my path because with you I had a lesson needed to be learned. I just hope one day I understand.

Everyday is a new day from this point on!

Inspired

When in the mornings you realize you made it thru another day alive.
You wake up being thankful, being loved, having good friends and to know you have an exceptional family, you realize then you are inspired to live everyday to the max.

I want to go forward and be able to reach the dreams. Because when you have what you need, then you don't need anything else. Is not about going to the sides, to the past, is about going higher than the skies!

Living now is living forever, living now is building the future!

I am inspired to live my dreams,
I am inspired to be a better human being.

You are my inspiration!

Momentos como estos...

Solo una vez.

Llevare grabado en mi pecho los buenos asi.
Las desveladas y los dias sin horas.

Momentos como estos...
Solo una vez.

Agradesco todo lo que has hecho.
Agradesco el abrir tu corazon,
A uno quebrantado con ansias de vivir, para encontrar uno similar.

Recordare momentos como estos por siempre, porque solo se dan una vez.

Extrañare tu compañia,
Pero sabes que siempre estare
"One phone call away".

Te quiero prima!

True colors

I don't have to hide, I don't have to lie. I can show the world my true colors.

God loves me as I am and the outcome is enough for me to be happy. To enjoy the beauty of nature, to laugh, to cry and to just be.

I will show the true colors of my heart!

Sometimes is not about others...

Sometimes expecting too much takes you to disappointment. I guess nothing is perfect and I should be grateful of the things I had, the things I let go and the things I still have.

I forget I shouldn't expect from anyone. The day I realize that, I will stop getting disappointed.

Don't make others a priority if others see you as an option.

Self respect is never enough when it comes down to you!

Expect of yourself enough to never get disappointed because no one knows you better than yourself!

Ahora en este momento

Momentos para compartir,
Momentos como este para recordar.
Un momento pasa y nunca regresa.
Vivir ahora, aqui, en este instante es aventurar las posibilidades de la vida.

Ahora en este instante explorar la belleza, la felicidad, la inosencia.
Los colores y la infinidad.

Life has to be beautiful...

Because we are still here.
Everyday is an opportunity to experience new adventures,
And living alone is one!

Life has to be beautiful
Because we live and we learn.
Growing old is not about the mistakes
Is about how you make smart decisions while the path unfolds as you walk.

Life is beautiful!
Because when you find happiness inside you, then you are ready to give it to others and therefore you love!

Loving yourself is the best gift of life
That's when you feel most alive
And that's when the adventures begin to make sense!

If you love yourself you love others!

Random thoughts

To expect the unexpected. To feel lost and find yourself again. To not know what to do. To feel sad, alone and yet so loved and surrounded by good people.

Because happiness is not found in others but within yourself. Because I love myself, I can love others and if love others I have found myself!

Life is unpredictable, sometimes making uncertain decisions. But with a compass anyone can find the way!

23 Febrero 2010

Pienso...

En el pasado.
Lo que me atormenta y me hiso feliz.
Todo aquello que me hace SER hoy. Dicen: "es mejor pedir perdon que pedir permiso".

Y pienso...

La vida no se trata de lo que uno hace o deja de hacer.
No es de los demas y lo que piensen.
La vida es todo aquello que tu quieres para ti.
Lo que te hace o lo que te deshace.
En mucho hubiese preferido pedir permiso antes que perdon.
Pedirle permiso a mi corazon, mi alma, mi mente... la consiencia!
Antes de tener quizas daños permanentes o temporeros que toman una vida remendar.
Y por mas que paresca perfecta la reconstrucción,
siempre quedan algunos desniveles sin remedio.
Si la vida fuera una pelicula, le daria "rewind" a la mia,
entonces editaria unas cuantas partes para poder dormir tranquilamente.

No hay perfeccion entre tanta maldad. La vida me enseño que es asi.
Pero siempre queda un poco de esperanza y gente buena entre tanta locura.

Pienso...

Que si hubiese omitido muchas palabras, pensamientos, deseos, hoy no estaria aqui.

Entonces me hubiese ahorrado un dolor de cabeza.
Decisiones, todo en la vida son decisiones.

Pienso en todo y creo que debo coger un break de los pensanientos.

Drops of blood...

My heart is broken. The inside of my skin is ripped. The bones are fragile and my feet can't stand my body.

My heart is broken, my mind is lost, my soul is hurt.

Is time to face reality...

Drops of blood run down the fingers of my fist. I ripped my heart off my chest and feed it to the wolves.

Now I am like a cold hybrid vampire walking among the livings.

Unsure, blind, lost!
Heart, drops of blood!

What?

Everyday I wake up asking myself the same thing.
Everyday I keep wondering when is that day going to come.

Am I going to die? Am I going to live?
I don't know what to do anymore!

I wake up everyday wishing things would change.
I wake up every morning just wishing I find the answers I've been looking for.

Today is not that day!

What am I supposed to do?
God, please answer because I don't have any strength left in me.

I feel like I'm dying instead of living again. I know am in pain!

What now? What to do next?

Let's get personal

How often can we be free and say all those things that we think but never say out loud?
Let's get personal, let's break those boundaries of unspoken words, let's say forget about what others might think and let's get real. At the end of the day everybody leaves therefore the only opinion that should matter when talking about yourself is your own.

Let's get personal, say it out loud.

The other day I went out with a friend, which apparently I had a crush with and I don't remember the details on what happen 17 years ago. How bad is that? for the first time in my life I feel like my memory has fallen into loopholes. Seems like I dated more guys than what I thought, what an irony. If you know me you would understand what I mean.

Although those who know me from before know the little girl with an intact innocence, who ever knows me now knows the woman with lots of stories to tell.

It is amazing how a place, people, experiences can change a person. Then again there are different times in life where you have to evolve creating your own destiny...
A few years ago I went on a quest of what I thought it was living life, thinking everyday after, that i had found it realizing, I really haven't. Eight years of my life thinking that I had folded some issues I thought where resolved. Apparently I've been wrong because I still wonder.

Yet life continues to slap me every morning in the face. Life happens for all of those alive. You are born, live rent free, worries free; then you grow up, have to prepare for life; you get old, get a job, pay your bills (better have savings), wishing you were rich and if rich wishing it never goes away.

Me today? I feel so lost, like a little girl in the woods.

My religious believes and everything that has made me the person I am today, all of it is fighting everyday with each other. Is like there are two people inside me.

Therefore I know that's why I am still on a quest of figuring out the unanswered questions about here and now, and the uncertain world parallel to this one.

This is my quest: To find the truth!

The truth about the things that matter, about what love really is and about what happens when you are alive, die or still here for the end of these times. My quest is about sacrifice and about giving, is about all those things we all have lost and don't care to find.

Public Call

Gamers & you-tubers out there. Today @ 6pm shooting action scene with unloaded bb guns. Free pizza. If you live in Orlando, interested in being in this video reply for details!

Time to be real...

Do you have a job?

Has your boss ever lower the salary because they didn't have enough to pay you?

Then why would you want me to lower my prices of my services for you?

I have a job, if you can't afford to pay, don't waist your time looking for me!

I also have bills
...just like you!

Note: why people don't like to pay for something they think they can do themselves? to realize just because you have the same tools I use for work don't mean you know how to use them. Please, have in mind the skills come with the person and experience not with the equipment.

Historias

La muerte toca a la puerta - Parte I

Son las dos de la mañana, apenas consigo el sueño. Me quito, me pongo, me enrollo, me viro y nada. De repente el tiempo parece parar. El abanico no suena como hace unos minutos sonaba, parece que le han bajado el volumen. La oscuridad parece mas callada que de costumbre. Decido pararme de la cama y caminar fuera de el cuarto. Deslizo mi mano por la pared para llegar hasta el “switch” de la luz, pero cuando agarro para llevar acabo esta acción escucho una voz que me dice: NO!

Permanezco quieta por un minuto para recuperar mi aliento. Nuevamente, deslizo mi mano por la pared para tratar de encender la luz y escucho otra vez la voz que dice: No. Te dije ya que no!

He quedado totalmente petrificada, como si me hubiesen enterrado los pies en el concreto debajo de la alfombra. Pienso: serán mis pensamientos? Quizás logré dormirme y esto es solo un… No - la voz dice nuevamente y así interrumpe mis pensamientos.Un frío repentino me cubre el cuerpo. Es entonces cuando me armo de valor y decido responder a esta voz misteriosa...

Jay: No, dices? Porque dices No?

Voz: Digo no porque no quiero que prendas la luz y solo aclaraba tu duda!

Jay: Duda?

Voz: Si, duda. Piensas que estas soñando, pero no. Esto esta pasando aquí ahora en este momento contigo.

Jay: Quien eres que has descifrado mis pensamientos? Acaso eres Dios?

Voz: No. No soy Dios. He descifrado tus pensamientos porque te llevo estudiando de cerca hace mucho tiempo y ya te conozco muy bien.

Jay: Y como has logrado entrar sin que la alarma sonara? Como me conoces? No entiendo! Acaso has venido a matarme? Porque no lo hicisteis de una vez y por todas cuando trataba de conciliar el sueño? Y si has venido a matarme, debes haberte arrepentido en el proceso porque alguien que sabe como hacerlo no lo haría como tu lo has hecho, estoy segura!

Voz: Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja…

Jay: Porque te ríes? Lo digo muy enserio! Creo que me merezco una explicación después de haber entrado a mi casa sin invitación, pudiera llamar a la policía. Pero me imagino que tienes un arma, asi que mejor no tratare nada.

Voz: Tienes razón. Disculpa mis modales. No te diré quien soy, al menos aun no!

Jay: Y cuando, después que me mates?

Voz: Déjame terminar. Te diré quien soy, solo que todavía no estas preparada para escuchar la verdad. A sido mas que suficiente con mi entrada y creo que ya sabes quien soy. Por esta razón sabes también que no vengo a matarte, bueno al menos no como tu crees. Por lo tanto tampoco llamaras a la policía porque sabes que seria una perdida de tiempo.

-Hubo un silencio prolongado-

Mi misión es darte una oportunidad. Una oportunidad que no le he dado a nadie. Pero como llevo tantos años haciendo lo mismo una y otra vez, he decidido darle un giro diferente. Quizás por puro aburrimiento. Pero te daré la oportunidad de escoger!

Jay: Escoger?

Voz: Si, escoger. Escoger como quieres morir. En fin, todos mueren desde que nacen. Solo que nunca saben como morirán. Yo te estoy dando una opción, una oportunidad para escoger tu destino final.

Jay: Pero porque simplemente no te llevas mi vida y ya? Y tienes que torturarme en dejarme saber como moriré. Yo no quiero saber cuando voy a morir, quiero morir sin enterarme que sucedió.

Voz: Pues no. Hoy tu escoges tu destino!

Jay: Me pudieras dar un día o dos para pensar como?

Voz: No. Tienes que decidir ahora. Porque después todo, el punto de darle un giro a esta monotonía perdería el sentido. Tu decides si lo escoges para ahora o para después. Cualquiera que escojas yo saldré ganando!

Jay: OK. Quiero que sea por alguna una enfermedad terminal.

Voz: OK. Perfecto. Considéralo echo!

Jay: No quieres saber porque escogí eso por encima de cualquier otra forma?(la voz no dijo ni una sola palabra)Bueno, de todas maneras te diré. No es que quiera sufrir en mis días finales, pero se que apreciare mas los colores de la vida, el amor, la familia, los amigos y todo aquello que le da sentido a la vida. Quizás ahora sea mas que una persona mas caminando sin rumbo definido, pero ahora sabre que cada día que viva es un privilegio y una nueva oportunidad de decirle a esas personas importantes para mi lo mucho que les amo y cuanto extrañare compartir sus penas y alegrías.

Sabes que?... me has dado no un día para morir. Sino días por los que vivir. Amare con toda pasión como si mañana no regresara. Perdonare porque ya no valdrá la pena enojarse. Hare el amor todas las veces que pueda como la primera vez, porque no quiero saber que es hacerlo por ultima vez. Y no dormiré para no perderme de nada, de aquello que después extrañare!

Hola? Te hablo a ti!... Si tu, “la muerte”. La que no me a dejado dormir y a entrado a mi casa sin invitación. Estas ahí o estoy hablando sola?

Voz: Estoy aquí solo escuchaba tu perfecta percepción de la vida. Yo sabia que había escogido a la persona adecuada. Tu vez, yo no le había dado esta oportunidad, elección, privilegio, como tu mejor prefieras llamarle.

Jay: Mas bien desgracia!

Voz: No, no… privilegio! No se lo había dado a nadie porque si le hubiese dado esta opción a cualquier otra persona lo que hubiesen echo seria viajar el mundo, gastar dinero en no se que o hasta tratar de encontrar una cura. Pero tu, tu lo miras objetivamente. Tu no ves lo que el resto del mundo ve, tu lo vez como una oportunidad de abrazar la vida.

Jay: Y se supone que me sienta privilegiada? OK. Creo que es porque no me queda mas opción. De todas maneras, ya que me has jodido el resto de mis días. Por lo menos me puedes dejar ir a descansar en paz las pocas horas que me quedan?

Voz: Seguramente. Pero antes no tienes alguna otra pregunta para mi? Una vez me vaya esto será efectivo y no habrá marcha atrás y yo no volveré a molestarte hasta que llegue ese día de tus últimos suspiros.

Jay: Bueno, cuantos días mas me darás? Un día, tres, un mes, un año, cinco?

Voz: Eso queda de ti!

Jay: De mi?... Ahora se yo, que también tengo el control de vivir o morir!

Voz: Todos tienen esa opción, pero nadie quiere morir. Algunos lo dicen porque no saben lo que esta al otro lado y piensan que es un resuelve de problemas, pero realmente no lo desean. Pero queda de ti, es todo lo que puedo decir. De aquí en adelante todo queda de ti.

Jay: Pues entonces no me hagas perder mas mi tiempo y déjame meterme debajo de las sabanas, para descansar y poder darle cabeza a esto que esta sucediendo. Seguramente estoy perdiendo neuronas, porque esto parece de película.

Voz: Y de donde tu crees que salen las películas?...

Jay: De alguna estúpida realidad como esta!

Habiendo dicho esto caí al piso como si mis piernas no aguantaran mi cuerpo.

continuara....

Unleashed!

I feel like something unleashed within me. Is the power of the freedom that has taken over. Decided that all I need is to move forward and that everything that happens to me is because I allow it. So I am going to have everything I ever wanted and help others. I am decided, I am focused, I am gonna get what I declare and never get tired of fighting for what I believe. I am woman, hear me roar!

The Game of Life

The options seems to disappear in the air,
the possibilities died in the first try.
Then the hopes rise and once more you fall.

That is the game of life.

Only the strong and persistent survive,
But those with faith make it!

The game of life is cruel and heartless.
Those with one heart will always have it all
Because is not what you have or who you become
But about love, laughter and peace.

Lost

I want to write the best book, poem, song there is out there!
But then I wonder if I will ever be good enough,
then I hear this stories about those who became famous in a day for just writing in the worst of their life.

Now, here I am. Just trying.
Not to become famous, but to give to the world in return of the many lesson learned.

If I was to give what the world gave me, I would probably be in war with it right now.

But, don't we have to change our ways of thinking?

My parents thought me to fight bad with good,
which sometimes many of us forget to do so.
Simply because it's easier.
But at the end of the day
what good do you get for yourself after doing bad with bad?

I know for me is more of the same,
of that thing that I complain so much about... OTHERS.

Then if I can't change others, I'll change my own ways.

No, not really changing.
More like re-adjusting my old believes with what I know now!

Think about it...

If you would know then, what you know now,
I bet you would have done things differently back then.

Well, now I have the opportunity to do that.

To learn from myself, from others, from the world and make the best decisions for myself from this point on.

Because if I'm tired of the same things the world offers,
then I might as well give the world the option of something different or more like someone.

And proof to the world that it is never to late to...
Make a difference and be different.
To change, be better and feel good about yourself.
Not just because, but with a purpose of leaving a mark somehow.

I heard once that if you want something bad enough you will get it.
But you have to move towards it to put things in motion.

I know I still don't have all the answers to my doubts and questions and all those thoughts in my head.
But I will try everything as long as I live to uncover those I can,
to understand them and embrace the learnings.

This is not the beginning, yet not the end.
This I can say is my meantime of finding what is lost!